If a Simple Valentine's Day Card Isn't Enough...

Dear Abbie:
My girl-friend keeps making not-so-subtle hints that she is expecting more (probably much more) than a card for Valentine's day. When out on the promenade, she has to stop in front of every jewelry window, squealing "isn't that cuuute!" and all that. She is my girl-friend, but not THAT much of a girl-friend. Do I bite the bullet and get the bling or what? -- Pressured.

Dear Pressured:
If a simple Valentine's Day card isn't enough, DTB (Dump that Beeatch). There's plenty more money-grubbing poon around. If you should have a girl-friend at all, you should be changing them at least once a year, anyway. Now sounds like a good time.

The DeBeers diamond cartel and Hallmark Cards have really done a job in escalating the expectations of females. Even if they are in troubled relationships, even bad relationships, they think that getting the bling will save relationship. Or will make up for being in bad relationships. But you can always say "No." After all, the feminists like to remind men that "No, means no", don't they?

But if you half-way want to keep hanging with her, get her some crotchless panties and see what her reaction is.

Hope this helps. ;>)

BTW, why not get YOURSELF some bling instead? Like a wristwatch that indicates (rightly or wrongly) that you are making a lot of money. That can be a panty-wetter for prospective new girlfriends. Doesn't mean you have to spend a lot on THEM, though. Spend it on yourself; get yourself a luxury wristwatch. Luxury Fine Wristwatches

-- Abbie

Deadbeat Dads -- Boo Hoo!

Dear Abbie:
I have a 2-year old that I need child support for. And the guy that I think got me pregnant has skipped. I really need some child support money. The county isn't really doing much for me. -- Desperate Single Mom.

Dear Desperate:
You're not going to get any help here. You blew it, and I have NO sympathy for you and your future car-jacker or crack whore spawn. Now, there is nothing the matter with unmarried sex; that isn't the point here. The point is, you bimbos should NOT be having sex unless:

1) You are willing to have an abortion should you get an unwanted pregnancy, and/or

2) You can afford a kid -- by yourself. Chances are, the guy didn't really want it, so if YOU have it, YOU pay for it.

I'm tired of you bimbos dropping litters of spawn with no more forethought than cats, rats, and dogs, then expecting everyone else to cater to you because you are a MOTHER (sob, sniffle). Puke. You have it, it's YOUR resposibility, no one else's.

And in your case, you're not even sure who the father is. Sheesh.

-- Abbie

Old but not Out of Life

Dear Abbie:
I am a 50+ year old man and still want to get laid by younger girls, not old ladies. But I have gotten too old for the bar and club scene.

Church groups -- fuggedaboudit -- old dried up religious cranks desperately looking for "relationships". They could be bad relationships, troubled relationships, sexless relationships, as long as it's a relationship. None of that is for me

Activist groups -- fuggedaboudit -- politically correct ball-busters and fem-fags (lesbians).

Any ideas? -- HornyOldGoat.

Dear Horny:
You're in luck - a new eBook has just became available that tells how to use Multi-Level Marketing (MLM) aka Network Marketing to get laid. You may not make much, if any, money, but what you're looking for is in abundance. The book tells about the psychology of women, and especially of women in MLM, and how to take advantage of that.

Update: Sorry, that book is no longer available -- Abbie

No Parental Consent for Abortion Needed

Since so many parents are wacked-out Christians or other wacko religionists, when a girl gets pregnant, she should be able to get an abortion without parental consent. These wacko Christians and others would rather see an existing life ruined, giving it less priority than a blob of tissue. "Soul" is a concept derived by and believed in only by primitive, superstitious savages -- even if those savages have delusions of mental superiority because just by accident of their birth, they happened to be born in a "developed" country.

So many troubled relationships and outright bad relationships result from "forced" marriages because of pregnancy. Pregnancy and childbirth should not be a "punishment" for violating some primitive religious taboo derived from an unfounded, unjustified concept of "soul".

-- Abbie

Celibacy Sucks

Dear Abbie:
I am a 19 year old girl, who has taken a vow of celibacy with my church. I want to save myself for when I get married. I have recently met a guy a year older than I am who I might want to marry someday, but I don't want to have sex with him until we do happen to get married. I've been dumped before because of my vow. Should I tell him now or wait? -- Serious celibate

Dear Serious:
You are totally mentally screwed up. The only thing you said that halfway makes sense is that you may possibly be waiting to get married. Not having sex makes no sense. If you want to save relationship, give it up. And use birth control. And get an abortion, if the birth control fails. You are old enough for sex, but not old enough to have children.

Religion is for the mentally weak and superstitious. Yes, that means I am talking about at least 80% of the world. And look at the state of the world. Too many troubled relationships because of screwed up sexual "morality". I would say, yes tell him now. But you probably won't, since you probably figure you can hook him with your dazzling personality alone. If he is smart, he will also kick your ass to the curb when he finds out what a ditz you are. That could be now, or after several dates or months. He is in for a bad relationships with you. I hope he figures it out sooner than later. And you should get counseling. -- Abbie

Abortion - Good for Her

Dear Abbie:
Our 17 year old daughter had an abortion without consulting with us. How could she do that without consulting with us? Why? -- Devastated.

Dear Devastated:
Good for her! The reason she had the abortion without consulting you is that she knew that you would be devastated. That you probably would try to prevent it. I would guess that you are religious wackos. She made a mistake (in getting pregnant -- not in having the abortion), but it looks like she has more sense than you do.

Sex is a natural function, even for teenagers. If parents were not so screwed up themselves about sex, they would not have the bad relationships -- troubled relationships -- with their children about sex.

Religion is for the mentally weak and superstitious. Yes, that means I am talking about at least 80% of the world. There is nothing wrong with abortion. It is idiots like you that want to see more unwanted babies brought into the world to become future gang-bangers, car jackers and drug addicts.

If you want to save relationship with your daughter, you have to support her decision and get over your "devastation". -- Abbie

If She Won't Let You Pet Hers, Get One of Your Own

Dear Abbie:
My wife is forever playing "kissy-face" with her pussy, but doesn't let me do the same with hers, much less anything else nowadays. -- PO'd in Pacoima

Dear PO'd:
Let her know that if she doesn't come around, that you are also going to get a pet - maybe a "Penthouse Pet."

But seriously, that is typical of troubled relationships, bad relationships -- the wife gives more affection to a pet than to the husband. Let her know unequivocally that if she wants to save relationship, she had better shape up, or you will kick both her and her pussy to the curb -- that you will divorce her. -- Abbie

Resolving the Great Toilet Seat Position Debate

Dear Abbie:
My wife keeps bugging me about not putting the toilet seat down after I take a leak. What's the big deal? -- Straight arrow.

Dear Straight Arrow:
It is no big deal. Only in bad relationships. Is this toilet seat thing written as the 11th commandment? Where is it written that you have to adjust the seat for her? Hey, she's lucky you put the seat up before you start hosing. Why doesn't she put it back up for your next use? If it's down, you got to put it up when you use it; so if it's up, why can't she put it down? If she wants to save relationship, tell her to check it out before she plunks her fat ass down! -- Abbie

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About Ask Abbie About Life

Ask Abbie About Life tells it like it is. You won't find the politically correct, sappy, feel-good, kid-glove, lame advice typical of most other relationship advice columnists, advice columnists, dating advice columnists, marriage advice columnists and parenting advice columnists from Abbie.