If a Simple Valentine's Day Card Isn't Enough...

Dear Abbie:
My girl-friend keeps making not-so-subtle hints that she is expecting more (probably much more) than a card for Valentine's day. When out on the promenade, she has to stop in front of every jewelry window, squealing "isn't that cuuute!" and all that. She is my girl-friend, but not THAT much of a girl-friend. Do I bite the bullet and get the bling or what? -- Pressured.

Dear Pressured:
If a simple Valentine's Day card isn't enough, DTB (Dump that Beeatch). There's plenty more money-grubbing poon around. If you should have a girl-friend at all, you should be changing them at least once a year, anyway. Now sounds like a good time.

The DeBeers diamond cartel and Hallmark Cards have really done a job in escalating the expectations of females. Even if they are in troubled relationships, even bad relationships, they think that getting the bling will save relationship. Or will make up for being in bad relationships. But you can always say "No." After all, the feminists like to remind men that "No, means no", don't they?

But if you half-way want to keep hanging with her, get her some crotchless panties and see what her reaction is.

Hope this helps. ;>)

BTW, why not get YOURSELF some bling instead? Like a wristwatch that indicates (rightly or wrongly) that you are making a lot of money. That can be a panty-wetter for prospective new girlfriends. Doesn't mean you have to spend a lot on THEM, though. Spend it on yourself; get yourself a luxury wristwatch. Luxury Fine Wristwatches

-- Abbie

Celibacy Sucks

Dear Abbie:
I am a 19 year old girl, who has taken a vow of celibacy with my church. I want to save myself for when I get married. I have recently met a guy a year older than I am who I might want to marry someday, but I don't want to have sex with him until we do happen to get married. I've been dumped before because of my vow. Should I tell him now or wait? -- Serious celibate

Dear Serious:
You are totally mentally screwed up. The only thing you said that halfway makes sense is that you may possibly be waiting to get married. Not having sex makes no sense. If you want to save relationship, give it up. And use birth control. And get an abortion, if the birth control fails. You are old enough for sex, but not old enough to have children.

Religion is for the mentally weak and superstitious. Yes, that means I am talking about at least 80% of the world. And look at the state of the world. Too many troubled relationships because of screwed up sexual "morality". I would say, yes tell him now. But you probably won't, since you probably figure you can hook him with your dazzling personality alone. If he is smart, he will also kick your ass to the curb when he finds out what a ditz you are. That could be now, or after several dates or months. He is in for a bad relationships with you. I hope he figures it out sooner than later. And you should get counseling. -- Abbie

Abortion - Good for Her

Dear Abbie:
Our 17 year old daughter had an abortion without consulting with us. How could she do that without consulting with us? Why? -- Devastated.

Dear Devastated:
Good for her! The reason she had the abortion without consulting you is that she knew that you would be devastated. That you probably would try to prevent it. I would guess that you are religious wackos. She made a mistake (in getting pregnant -- not in having the abortion), but it looks like she has more sense than you do.

Sex is a natural function, even for teenagers. If parents were not so screwed up themselves about sex, they would not have the bad relationships -- troubled relationships -- with their children about sex.

Religion is for the mentally weak and superstitious. Yes, that means I am talking about at least 80% of the world. There is nothing wrong with abortion. It is idiots like you that want to see more unwanted babies brought into the world to become future gang-bangers, car jackers and drug addicts.

If you want to save relationship with your daughter, you have to support her decision and get over your "devastation". -- Abbie

If She Won't Let You Pet Hers, Get One of Your Own

Dear Abbie:
My wife is forever playing "kissy-face" with her pussy, but doesn't let me do the same with hers, much less anything else nowadays. -- PO'd in Pacoima

Dear PO'd:
Let her know that if she doesn't come around, that you are also going to get a pet - maybe a "Penthouse Pet."

But seriously, that is typical of troubled relationships, bad relationships -- the wife gives more affection to a pet than to the husband. Let her know unequivocally that if she wants to save relationship, she had better shape up, or you will kick both her and her pussy to the curb -- that you will divorce her. -- Abbie

Resolving the Great Toilet Seat Position Debate

Dear Abbie:
My wife keeps bugging me about not putting the toilet seat down after I take a leak. What's the big deal? -- Straight arrow.

Dear Straight Arrow:
It is no big deal. Only in bad relationships. Is this toilet seat thing written as the 11th commandment? Where is it written that you have to adjust the seat for her? Hey, she's lucky you put the seat up before you start hosing. Why doesn't she put it back up for your next use? If it's down, you got to put it up when you use it; so if it's up, why can't she put it down? If she wants to save relationship, tell her to check it out before she plunks her fat ass down! -- Abbie